Rob asks :

My wife and I have been married 21 years and have 2 kids, 17 & 18. We are very open and can talk about sex. Our sex life was great for the first six years.
After the kids came she lost her drive. She has taken testosterone and it makes her just as horny as all get out! The issue is she quit taking it because of the facial hair etc.
I do understand and try to be understanding but when she is off she has no drive and just lays there. Does anyone know of any other foods, meds that might make her horny without the facial hair etc? Thanks

Tyler replies

Firstly, don’t take it at all personally that your wife lost her sex drive after six years of being mum. Some women never regain it after having only one baby.

Honestly, the chemicals that come with childbirth and the role of being a mother can really zap you of any sex drive. Have you talked about how she feels as a woman, how she feels about sex? Have you tried to reassure her that you are content to be affectionate without it leading to sex?

One of the easiest ways to get her sex drive back will be to make her want you in that way, and the best way to get to that point is how you originally did, before you even got together, through affection, physical contact, eye contact, compliments, making her feel special and appreciated.

The more she gets, the more she’s likely to want, and with patience, that can lead to wanting intercourse again. A woman’s sex drive is very much dominated by her brain, and so she won’t be able to switch off from all the things that occupy her mind as a mother. Feeling sexy is a key part to having a sex drive.

How are you helping her with that? Honestly, how much have you focused on that in the last 21 years instead of focusing on your needs and on taking hormones? I urge you to get her off the testosterone and work really hard at underlying issues.

They will be there, guaranteed. You just need to take a few steps back. Don’t even let her know what you’re up to. It has to be subtle and she has to experience feeling sexual again before she can find her sex drive.

It’s as much about supporting her and giving her time to herself as it is about sexy underwear or anything. Feeling sexy comes from feeling confident, feeling on top of things, feeling like you’re loved and needed, and valued.

Okay, maybe not in those first days of lust, but at this stage, there’s a lot more to her and a lot more going on than the woman you first married. You have to uncover those layers and get under her skin again.

Lydia replies

You actually let your wife take testosterone because she hasn’t been satisfying you all these years?
You say she lies there on the bed, not wanting anything? What are you doing to stop her from lying there?
Or what are you doing to her while she’s lying there? Stop looking at this as if it’s her problem.
This is as much about what you are doing and have or haven’t been doing over the years as it is about her. Take responsibility for turning her on!