Hi there, mine and my husband’s relationship has been rocky for a long time and I'm in love with someone else.
But the problem is my husband is now really ill and needs my full time care.
Me and this other man want to be together but I'm stuck on what to do.
Rachael Lloyd from eHarmony says:
Have to say, this is a really tough question. I completely understand why you feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. You don’t say whether your husband’s illness is a temporary setback or something potentially more significant. Either way, I’m sorry to hear he is in such a challenging space.
As for you – well, the fact that you describe the relationship you’ve had with your husband as ‘rocky’ suggests there was already a lot of conflict in the marriage. This would go some way to explaining why you met and fell in love with someone else. Opportunity knocks!
It also sounds like your marriage is conclusively over – for you at least.
But, here’s the rub. Affairs are one of the most destructive ways to end a relationship. They generally wreak havoc on everyone involved and can leave a nasty emotional hangover lingering for months – or in some cases – years.
But the reality is affairs are also one of the most common reasons that marriages end (trailing only slightly behind ‘money problems’ in one key study).
From where I’m sitting, your marriage is already over. Hanging around to be your husband’s carer might be an act of kindness and dignity, but it’s also dishonest and could create a lot unforeseen stress for you both. Anything we supress (like the fact we’re in love with someone else) has a habit of coming out in some form or other.
For instance, it might make you more short-tempered, it might create or create a heightened sense of anxiety in the home. You will effectively be leading a double life under enormous pressure. From a pragmatic point of view, if the illness is short-lived then you may decide you’re up to the task and step up to ‘the right thing’. However, that is entirely your call. If you do leave now, I urge you do it as gently and kindly as possible. And buckle up, because should either your husband or those close to him discover your secret, you will get cast as worse than Cruella de Ville for a while.
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