Hello, today my boyfriend (39) and I (25) had a foul dispute about the way I dress.
My boyfriend dislikes when I wear all black (although he knows black clothes bring me comfort) and said pretty awful things to me today.
I found out later today that he messaged his sister about our argument and told her about our relationship, how we have conflicts often.
He told his sister that he thinks being with me is a mistake, that I have a very ugly side to me, and he can't imagine he'll have to live with me forever (we've talked about marriage).
He also said that I have an emo persona and that I'm fake.
It really hurt knowing that's what he really thinks of me. I have always accepted my boyfriend for who he is even though his habits and demeanor aren't the best, never tried to change him, and loved him unconditionally.
No one is perfect. My boyfriend picks at my flaws but never admits his own and tries to change me. I'm broken, upset, and sad. What should I do?
Sex and relationship expert Jessican Leoni said: “To answer your question bluntly: get the hell out. You are 25 and really shouldn’t be wasting any more time on a man who sounds like a nightmare. I am not a huge fan of relationships with big age gaps and your case proves why. If your boyfriend was the same age as you I might see a future for you if he was prepared to listen to you and change but he’s 39 - way old enough to know better.
“Let’s go through why he deserves the elbow. He undermines your confidence. I really don’t like the fact that he wants to control what you wear and objects to you wearing black when dark clothes clearly bring you comfort. He is disloyal. Not only does he bitch about you to his sister but he says unbelievably unkind things about you - saying there is an ‘ugly’ side to you. The words that spring to mind here are pot and kettle - because his comments to his sister are about as ugly as it gets. He is not committed to the relationship anyway. You say that you love him ‘unconditionally’ whereas he is talking about his plans to dump you to his sister. He has a low opinion of you. He says that you are ‘fake’ and an emo person (a person who is overly sensitive and full of angst). Frankly, anyone would be full of angst if they had to put up with a boyfriend like yours. He doesn’t sound like much of a catch anyway. You say that ‘his habits and demeanour are not the best’ - that phrase sounds like a euphemism for some pretty grubby behaviour. He ‘picks at my flaws’ and never admits to his own - more appalling behaviour. He really is old enough to know better and I see no prospect of him changing.
“I can fully understand that it would have really hurt when you found out what he thinks of you, though you don’t explain how you have discovered this (I suspect you have been reading his text messages or emails). That is slightly paranoid behaviour but I would be paranoid with a lover like him.
“You are 25. End this relationship and try to find a new partner your own age who is more sensitive to your needs. I suspect that part of you will still want to make a go of the relationship with your boyfriend because of that unconditional love you felt for him, but please don’t. Every day you spend with him is one wasted not being on your own and looking for someone better.”
Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com
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