Hello, My and my boyfriend have been together 7 years (I'm 24 now and he's 26).
We've always had stages of arguments and me feeling down but we moved in together last October and it just seems to have got worse.
I work night shifts at a care home normally 55 hours a week. I go to bed around 9am in the morning, I wake up around 4 to get ready for work again and he's normally in bed till around 5 (he doesn't work nights just a few days painting and decorating in the week).
The house is often messy when I get in from work and I find myself tidying while he plays his guitar or sleeps!
I've tried communicating with him and he plays guitar over me speaking or just ignores and tells me to calm down and says he "can't be arsed" with me.
I don't know what to do! I feel so stressed- I love him but I can’t keep living like this.
I'm starting to feel really down and poorly but he just won't listen, any advice? Thanks for your time xxx
Sami Wunder, dating & relationship coach says:
The challenge here is two things -
1) The overall level of joy and intimacy in the relationship
If you´re working that long and that hard my darling, you probably have little time and energy left to give attention to the nurturing aspects of your relationship. We are in relationships because they bring us joy.
I want you to ask yourself if you and your man are experiencing that joy at a fundamental level or not currently?
From my experience, romance tends to get lost when we are tired and overworked and makes our relationships turn functional. This is where it gets really hard to inspire our men to invest and give more to the relationship and to regard our feelings.
So as far as the bigger picture is concerned, I will invite you to ask yourself - how can I get back to having more fun and experience more joy and connection with my man in the first place? How can I start taking better care of myself, even in these stressful times, so that there is room for us to connect and be intimate versus just being functional.
2) Communicate more effectively
Instead of telling him what to do, which will always give you a power struggle with men, I want you to try making a respectful request to him instead.
Your man says he 'can't be arsed' to do anything.
And while that may not be your intention at all, it´s probably how you´re communicating to him that makes him feel like he's being made to do something he doesn't want to do.
Hence, instead of ordering him to do it, how about you try something softer and more vulnerable like - "Honey, you make me so happy and I don't want to be nagger. I just want to be honest. I am so tired when I come home. It would feel amazing to have your support in helping clean the house. Do you think we can do this?"
Sami Wunder is an international dating and relationship coach. Join her Wunder Divas Facebook group for free dating and relationship tips and advice.
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